yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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