You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
