I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What a dumb baby whore.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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