i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He did a backflip because drugs
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