I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
