im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
