Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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