listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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