Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just found puke in my bra..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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