The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
