Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
