What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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