i jhust puked up my retainher.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
