Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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