Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
