we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
