I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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