I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
