Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
