I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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