I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
