Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
