Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
