I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I smell like Dick and happiness
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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