I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
