I cannot find my penis.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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