shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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