I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
