Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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