I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
