I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
