The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
