i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
