I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
pray to the hookup gods
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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