my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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