that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
