The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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