tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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