Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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