Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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