her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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