Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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