please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
