I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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