dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
