I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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