Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.