My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
