I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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