seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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