I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
