She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
