So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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