I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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