Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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