So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we have pet lesbian snakes
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
